Full Week Reflection

It has been a while since my last post. This past week was exhausting. It was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. So, not only did I feel like I did not have the time to write, but I also had difficulty being able to sit down and articulate my frustration.

It is good I waited until the end of the week to post.

The special education audit taking place took its toll on me this week. At multiple times, I was completely overwhelmed. It was not because the paperwork was too difficult; rather, I felt like it was more than I had bargained for. I heard that the paperwork for special education was a lot, but I could not have imagined how much it would be—especially because I have to go back and correct other people’s errors. On top of that, I still am not even completely sure how to fill out all the forms, and I still do not have my own account to complete things online; therefore, I have to use coworkers’ accounts. The catch: an account can only be logged onto one computer at a time. So when I want to use somebody else’s account, they cannot be using it at that time.

Furthermore, the exorbitant amount of paperwork takes me away from my students. The decreased time with my students has affected me the most. I know that they are not doing as well as they can without me in the classroom. Moreover, I know that I am not getting better as a teacher, since I spend so much time out of the classroom. I see other first year TFAers growing and improving at lesson planning, but I do not see the same growth in myself. So, yes, I am emotionally exhausted.

It is good I waited until the end of the week to post.

By the middle of the week, it was clear that the pressure of the audit was building, and there were tons of things out of my control taking place. I could not control how paperwork was handled before me. I could not control what the district wanted from me. I could not control when parents signed documents or returned phone calls. I could not control the fact that I could not get certain work done online because I still have not been completely trained in the program.

Stop, Lumumba. Just stop. Locus of control. What can I do? What is in my locus of control?

It is good I waited until the end of the week to post.

See, whenever I have difficulties, I usually stop to think of the TFA guiding principles: relentless pursuit of results, sense of possibility, disciplined thought, respect and humility, and integrity. I think about all of these each day, and every once in a while, one of them moves to the center of my thinking. This week disciplined thought did. With disciplined thought, I thought of my locus of control and began to crowd out all of my other negative thoughts.

All of that other stuff was true. It was frustrating. I was angry. I was annoyed. I mean, I am human. But I thought about what was in my locus of control. I thought about the fact that the audit is here, and it is taking place for a reason. I am here to serve these students, and they deserve to have special education teachers doing their paperwork properly. Okay, people have not been completely doing their jobs in the past. Well, it is my problem now. It is my job now. Fair? No, not at all. Is the achievement gap fair? No, not at all. Are some of the situations my students deal with at home fair? No, not at all.

It is good I waited until the end of the week to post.

The paperwork is not about me, it is about the students. I can do it now. I can get over this hump now. Soon, I will be back fully in the classroom. Then, I will keep struggling probably. But I will get better. I went to parts of my self contained classes this week, and I can already see some changes.

One student with whom I have had some trouble led the affirmation in my social skills class this Friday. He read it passionately. Afterward, he said excitedly, “Look at me read!” Yes, he can read. Not as well as he should. But he is going to get better. I am going to help him get better.

It is good I waited until the end of the week to post.

Reflection is essential. There is no way I could maintain a sense of possibility or positivity if I did not reflect on not only my actions, but also my mindset. My attitude is vital to my job performance. I cannot go through the day-to-day adventure of teaching and emerge happy without meditating on both what went wrong and what went right.

In my certification class this week, we talked about how we usually focus on negative things. This was the same class in which I spilled hot coffee all over myself, but will not dwell on that. In this class, we talked about the importance of looking at the positive things.

Even writing this post has been therapeutic. I feel better now. I am riding in the car on the way back from Nashville with Matt (my roommate). When I began the post, Matt asked me what was going to be the take home point of this post. I told him that I would vent my frustration with the audit process but then say that seeing the kids makes it all worth it. Matt, knowing very well how exhausted I was this past week, then asked me, “Was it really worth it?” “No,” I said, “But it made it bearable.” Matt answered, “Good, do not hyperbolize.”

Well, I am at the end of this post, and I can say that it is more than bearable, it is more than worth it. It is necessary. I am extraordinarily lucky to be able to work with these students. And even if I am not as much in the classroom as I hope to be right now – even if I am not as good of a teacher that I could be at this moment – these children are my motivation for getting out of bed each morning. If I have to complete a ton of paperwork right now so that they get the services they need, then I will concentrate on my locus of control and get it done.

Last week is over, and a new week begins.